It was a few days after Mother's Day in 2005, my pregnancy test was positive, and in 8 months or less, our first child would be born.
We were ecstatic!!!
Instantly, I began planning our future with a baby. I hadn't shopped for anything, but we were quickly set on the names Kate for a girl, and Jake for a boy.
Months of happy passed, and I was now in the the doctors office waiting for my second routine ultrasound. It was 4 days before my 35th birthday, and I was feeling excellent in my pregnant body!
My Hubby had just snapped a picture of me with the digital camera. The pink paper drape was around my legs and tucked into my jeans, my giant boobs filled in my NYNY Lifeguard shirt and I had NO Belly!
In fact, even though I was 17 weeks pregnant, only my family and closest friends knew I was pregnant. I was ready to spread the happy news.
When the doctor walked in the room, we reminded him that we did not want the amniocentesis to check for Down Syndrome (the ratio for my age was 1 in 353).
The numbers didn't seem high to me, but the genetic counselor had told us that the possibility was actually pretty high.
It did not change my mind. Truthfully, the process of a long needle going through muscle, possibly causing a muscle spasm leading to contractions and or causing early labor... terrified me more!
Early labor wasn't something I was going to risk. Because we would love the baby no matter what the results of an amniocentesis.
We also made sure the doctor knew we wanted to keep the biggest surprise in the world - the sex of the baby - for the delivery room.
This is when he added the jelly to my belly (OMG that stuff is cold) and began rolling the ball around. The baby appeared on the screen. I could not make out anything. So, I decided to joke with the doctor about the baby playing Hide-n-Seek with the penis. He didn't respond nor did he seem amused, but Hubby thought I was hilarious.
Then, the doctor suddenly stopped. He printed the ultrasound, turned off the screen, swung the chair around and flicked on the lights.
He went to my file on the counter and pulled out the previous ultrasound from 12 weeks. He came closer and began to compare the 12-week and 17-week images.
He also spoke some of the most unimaginable words EVER.
Words like: Rare Birth Defect, Bilateral Renal Agenesis, Very Low Amniotic Fluid, Potter's Syndrome, Incompatible with Life, 1 in 10,000.
He paused when he realized neither of us truly comprehended or believed his words, so he added: "Your unborn baby is perfectly safe in your belly, but he/she will die shortly after birth from lack of oxygen."
I began to ugly cry - I was inconsolable.
My mind was racing. I was in disbelief.
AND... I had a million questions.
I deserved answers!
The biggest question...
~ WHY the F#@& is this happening TO ME?
I was devastated.
The following moments are clear as day. The doctor left. We stayed in the room for another 10 minutes.