I never considered myself a writer. But, I have a story to share.
More than 18 months of My Journal entries. It starts at the beginning of my first pregnancy through our daughters diagnosis, birth and beyond.
Dear Hope,
You were in my belly for 7 month, in my arms for 15 hours and in my heart forever. It is hard to believe we said goodbye almost 6 years ago.
I think about you more than anyone knows. I love that a thought of you, always puts a smile on my face... even when some of those smiles include a ton of tears. I miss you and even though I know you are looking over us, you should be here with us!!!
Love Forever, Mommy
LOVE was all she ever knew!!!
Forever grateful... that I had the foresight to keep a journal!!! Hope's Mommy
November 2008
Thursday - November 20, 2008
I am so sad today. I miss my baby girl. Now every day as "little g" gets bigger and more aware of himself and others. I just find myself, wishing his big sister was here with him. He is such a sweet little guy, so generous with hugs and kisses, we call him "Sugar Bear". We had a conversation today. What would our nick name for Hope be? I said, "Pinky" because "little g" can say that. He is my "Sunshine" in fact, he sang that with me for the first time last night as I rocked him before bed.
The main reason for my sadness today is...
In an effort to keep Hope's memory alive... I have made this web site. It has been through many transitions and times of neglect (from when "little g" was just a wee babe until recently). I am fairly realistic and I really do not expect anyone to remember... the day we were diagnosed (aug4), her birthday (nov18), the day of her memorial (jan8), or the day she was due (jan11). I know people have their own lives and families. I am a very positive person and I usually do not let things get me down. But, the past few days have gotten to me. It all stems from me not wanting to be hurt because no one remembered. So, on Tuesday I sent out a Birthday Message for Hope and the following is how I feel now...
I am happy people took the time to... Write a message in Hope's guest book. Although, I am sad for the one's who have not.
I am happy people took the time to... Look at the many pages of this web site.
Although, I am sad for the one's who have not.
It is so fulfilling to touch so many lives of people I never knew.
It is so awesome to see old and new relationships blossom.
It is so hurtful to "feel" forgotten or dismissed by people I love.
My family and my friends have always been important to me. As you read my journal you will know that. Glenn and "little g" are my world and my first priority!!! Although, I think over the past year, I have felt a distance and a disconnect between some of the important people in my life. It makes me sad and I need to get that back.
If you have taken the time to read this... you have made me happy.
ANYDAY a phone call to say... "I am thinking of Hope and your family today"
would make my day.
xoxox, Shawna
September 2011
Tuesday - September 20, 2011
Emotional the past few days. "Big M" turned 2 a few days ago. Happy about that milestone. He is such a BIG, adventurous and happy boy. We call him "Smiles".
Sad thinking this would be Hope's first year of school. :( Ahhh. I never thought it would hit me this way. I couldnt figure out my tears and honestly I just reread my Jounal Entry below and realized after 3 years those things are still on my mind.
Everything WILL get better!! I am a glass half-full kinda girl. But, I am really thirsty.
xoxo, Shawna
