Journal - December 2005

My Journal - December 2005

TABLE OF CONTENTS

LINKS

Thursday – December 1st

I figured out how to make Hope’s web site I gave it her very own name..... www.HopeAngel.org I have been working on it for a few days.

I think I walked too much the last 2 days and I walked too soon.

I am sore. I felt fine while I was walking. But, I hurt today.

Jennifer Gardner & Ben’s baby girl was born today. They announced she was pregnant the same week we found out we were pregnant. At least they are married now.

Friday – December 2nd

AGENDA FOR TODAY

Go to Dr. Melin to complete:

Milk Bank Consent Form

Milk Bank Request & Authorization for Blood Test

Milk Bank Prescription for an Electronic Pump (if possible)

(continued December 7th)

Make Copies of:

AFP Screening / Insurance Form

Copy of Insurance Card

I did get it all done… but Glenn was with me... Otherwise, I probably would have never left the house.

Saturday – December 3rd

We went to “Christmas on the Prado” or “December Nights in Balboa Park”. I wore my pink beanie that I wore at the hospital, so I would feel Hope closer to me. Mom & Andrew went with us. As we were walking around I saw lots of pregnant women and babies. I can’t help but thinking how much I wish Hope was with us for these fun occasions. They knew… and Glenn gave me little hand squeezes too.

A lady had some stained glass Angels. I asked her if she could make one if I gave her a drawing. She said “yes”. I told her that I just had my baby girl two weeks ago and she passed away. I just let it out… she was really sweet. And I walked away.

In the Arts Village, Glenn bought me a Christmas present. A bracelet with two charms, Hope and Angel. It was exactly what I was looking for. I know why am I paying someone to make me a bracelet, that is my business? But I just don't have the energy... I know I will make it better when I get it.

The other day Glenn asked me when I was going to take off my hospital bracelet with Hope's name. (And my Mom has been asking for longer) . "When I am Ready". He was cool with that.... But I did explain to him... I don’t want to take off the hospital bracelet until I have a replacement. I know I have my necklaces and other mementos. But, I see my hands all the time... AND the hospital bracelet... So I will see her name when I get the new bracelet. I am so excited about wearing it. I took the hospital bracelet off when we came home.... it was getting worn out and the ink was coming off, because of the long showers.

Andrew, Glenn & I rode the Merry-Go-Round. Twice! The 1st time we rode on the outside and tried to grab the Brass Ring. I was in the middle of the 2 of them, so I was never able to grab a ring. Andrew won the brass ring, and a free ride. The second ride, we went up and down on the giraffe’s. We noticed how fast it went around, we sorta felt sick when we got off. Andrew rode the 3rd time, and no one else was playing the Brass Ring game so Andrew was not allowed to play and win by himself.

We had fun tonight. We didn’t really want to go. But we talked about it and we needed to have ourselves some fun.

Sunday – December 4th

Last night, was not a restful night. Like the last few nights, I dreamed of Hope all night. I was thinking of the bracelet I ordered. But mostly, I hear Her Name, Hope Angel… Hope Angel… Hope Angel… just goes through my head, over and over and over again. A beautiful name for our beautiful little Angel!!!

And I was cold too.

I designed Hope’s announcements tonight. I love doing things like that. I started a letter to her too.

I just love to think of her.

I’m not sad when she is in my mind.

I am happy because I think of how sweet and small and cuddly she was.

I think of how happy I was when Dr Melin said… “Open your Eyes, Open your Eyes!”

There she was… My tiny, beautiful little girl.

My first baby.

I knew she was a girl!

I love her.

I’m going go cry and snuggle with my big honee now. I love him! He is the Best!!!

Monday – December 5th- MY PICTURE FIASCO - PART 2 - (part 1 is November 23rd)

AGENDA FOR TODAY

Get the Announcement Picture Developed…

A Tough (emotional) Day! I didn’t do much. I went to get Hope’s announcement pictures developed. I went by myself, I am not sure why! BUT, I was anxious because of what happened the last time.

I asked the lady if she "could print out the 2 pictures, in color, so I could see them first". "Yes, but it would be ready in 1 hour". Last week, they were not busy and they were able to do that.... BUT this time they were busy... So I had to wait around.

As I walked out, I was thinking to myself, "Since I have to wait, I should get these in black and white too". I thought about it for 5 minutes and went back in and requested it. Then, I went to the Golf Course and watched people.

When I went back, she had the pictures waiting for me. AND, They were pixilated. I was so upset. BUT, at that moment I kept my composure. I asked her why it did that, … blah, blah, blah. She tried to help. But their computer does not crop it the same way I can at home.

So, that was when she suggested, “maybe you can take another picture” (with a little giggle). Of course, immediate water works. I told her, she passed away. Giggle gone, and she said... “I’m sorry!” I left the store. Went to the car and called Glenn. We talked about it. I sat in the car and I cried to him for a good 5 minutes. We talked about it more when he came home from work. We also went to buy photo paper and print our own. Glenn suggested buying a whole new printer, if we had too.

Today was the 1st night Glenn did not work his night job. Did I mention, that he QUIT! It was not worth the money... She even offered him more money for less time. But, we just needed to be together. The best part was, driving around together, doing errands together, and talking about our day. Talking about all the little stuff that we normally forget about when we didn’t see each other until late in the evening, if I was still awake. I told him how much I loved to talk about “the little stuff”. I love my sweetheart. We had a great time TOGETHER!!!!

Tuesday – December 6th - A VERY SAD, SAD DAY!!!

AGENDA FOR TODAY

Mail the AFP Insurance Form

Complete the Mortuary Paperwork

Even though I did not want to talk to the A_ _... I called the Mortuary about 10:30am asking for an appointment to complete the paperwork and pay. He "the A_ _ has not called me back. I do not want to do that without Glenn. I do not like to think of Hope waiting all this time. I do not understand why we were there for almost 4 hours on the 21st we signed paperwork and we could have paid then. But, he made it seem like we should pay, when we picked her up. I hate the way that sounds too! I know her soul is in heaven. I just feel like, her tiny little body, deserves more honor. Why do we have to go back? I think families should not be asked to do this. Who wants to go back to the funeral home? I asked Glenn to call back and make the arrangements. He did.

We went back to the funeral home. We had to sign the paperwork regarding Hope’s cremation. I hate saying that. He had picked her up from the Hospital and verified she was wearing the same outfit we had left her in. Refer to the SOCIAL WORKER info November 18th.

The things you have to read (and initial) or hear them say (and initial) about your loved one… I hate ALL those words too. I have always hated the word “Dead”. When I hear it on the News or in conversation I cringe. I prefer died, passed away.

All I could think of was, our pretty little baby girl and how I wish she was still with us.

The Funeral Director said… “IT (her cremation) would take place sometime tomorrow, most likely in the morning, and babies take less time, than adults.” Disgusting thought! He asked us if we wanted to see her one more time, because cremation can not be reversed. (DUH, you *%$# idiot). We declined. We wanted to remember how she looked the moment we let her go. So “she may be ready to pick up by 2pm”. I am repeating what the director said. So I can remember how cold and weird it all was to hear.

We bought a really pretty PINK VELVET photobox a few weeks ago. We know we are going to scatter her ashes, so we want to have her in a pretty place when we pick her up and while she is home with us.

She will be "Pretty In Pink".

As we were leaving the Mortuary, and we got into the car, I had an urge to be near her tiny body one last time. I was crying, pretty hysterically. It took me a minute to tell Glenn what I wanted to do. I had a clear thought process in the minute that passed, as I cried.

I wanted to be near her...

I was not sure if I should tell Glenn...

Would he think it was odd... weird... or the thought to depressing?

Would he take me?

Then, I remembered something I read. “Some parents regret giving into pressure from a partner or other relatives to not see the baby or cut the visit short. Their families were trying to protect them from their sadness instead of letting them face it.”

I have great communication with Glenn, so instead of feeling angry later, I told him.

So, of course, he drove to the crematory and on the way we saw a sign MT. HOPE community. (I have driving in the area many times and never knew the name of it) 

We sat outside the building from 6:00pm - 6:10pm in the car. We talked about how ironic and surreal the situation was. Before we were married, Glenn delivered mail to this place. And multiple times last year we had lunch in the cemetery, when he worked at the HD. One time during lunch I remember looking outside my window and seeing a grave marker for a baby. I remember us both being sad.

We talked outloud to Hope and let her know how we were feeling. I told her and signed to her (sign language) “I really love you”, kissed my finger and put it on the car window, said goodbye and as we drove away, I looked back and I signed to her again... “I really love you”, I kissed my finger and put it on the window again and waved with my fingers. Because you have to look back, when you leave somebody you love! I’m positive tomorrow is going to be a difficult day.

FYI: Everytime Glenn and I leave each other we always do that. And we have since we said I LOVE YOU. We did it the night we let Hope go too, you know when we let them take her out of our hospital room.

Wednesday – December 7th

AGENDA FOR TODAY

Dr. Melin 3 week Check-Up

As I drove into the parking lot, I remembered the last time we were there. It was 3 weeks ago and Hope was still in my tummy. When most moms have their 3-week check-up, they have a baby with them, I don’t.

I did not know that today was a “talking appointment”. We talked about:

Hope is possibly being cremated now! I cried.

The Autopsy results won’t be available till 6 weeks postpartum.

The Karyotyping (Chromosomes) is fine. I still don’t understand what that is.

MILK – when should I get my blood test for the donation bank?

Go get blood test now, and she will do the Rubella Titler at my 6 week appointment.

How much milk am I producing?

Last week I was producing 2 to 3 oz. in 25 minutes (2 or 3 times a day).

This week I am producing ½ to 1 oz. in 25 minutes (2 or 3 times a day).

She said the amount I am currently getting was not worth it. I should stop when I want.

Glenn was happy about this. (continued December 8th)

Do I really have to go back to work at 6 weeks? Is that all EDD will pay for?

She told me to tell my work, I am taking 12 weeks – LOA.

Glenn was happy about this. We have not even had her services. I still hurt physically.

I will need to bring the EDD – Extension Form and bring it to my next appointment.

EXERCISE – Walk a little and sit-ups on my ball are okay unless I have immediate pain. If I have Pain the next day, wait 2 days, and try again.

Glenn told me I look beautiful and don’t worry about losing weight till the New Year.

SEX – Not yet. Wait till bleeding stops. Be careful and lubricate.

Glenn told me not to worry about that either.

NEXT APPT. - Jan 2nd

After the check-Up I was too sad to get my Blood Test. I felt sad and I came home.

Glenn finally got his haircut today. He had cancelled so many appointments. His hair was driving him crazy.

We went to dinner at Miguel’s. We were a little anxious. It was the 1st trip there since we had Hope. But we also thought the regular staff would not be there on the weekday. We were right.

The funeral home never called today. We don’t know why. I am upset about this. But, Glenn has done a good job of keeping me busy today.

When we went to bed, we talked. Glenn mentioned his loss of appetite. How his food has no taste. He mentioned how he felt sad, like when we were on the Merry-Go-Round on Saturday, without our baby.

Thursday – December 8th

I woke up at 3:45am and I was wide-awake until 4:30am. I was not sure why I woke up so suddenly. I thought that the newspaper hit the porch. (I was right). But usually I would just fall back asleep. As I was lying there, I realized that 3 weeks ago at that time, I woke up and finished the Birth Plan.

Agenda for Today

Try again, Blood Test for Milk Donation – did not happen

Return Pump – did not happen (continued December 9th)

Pick-Up Hope – did not happen

The funeral home never called today. So we called them. The guy was off. The girl said, “We should have the permit tomorrow.” But, He told us they had the permit of Tuesday. We were upset, and she knew it. She wanted to know if we were having the services this weekend. “No, we don’t want her to be there anymore. We want her with us!”

Arrange the Services for Hope:

I spoke with the flight company again, and we made a tentative plan for January 8th.

Our Meeting with Counselor:

“There is a Lady and a Boy here to see you.” That is what the older Man told our counselor, when we arrived.

“Hi I’m Shawna”. “And I’m the Little Boy”. It was a great laugh. We decided that couple counseling would be better for us. But when a group is available we may try it.

We were going to go shopping after of meeting. But we felt sad and came home.

Friday – December 9th

Agenda for Today

Try again, Blood Test for Milk Donation – did not happen

Return Pump – Refunded $17 (continued January 25)

Do a Little Shopping – We shopped for a little while at Target.

And we bought a new Camera. So we don’t have a Camera problem next time.

Pick-Up Hope –

The funeral home did not call us. We called them again. We spoke with her again, because he did not call. We had a feeling we were going to be able to pick her us today. So we waited in Shelter Island, watching the boats. We had a nice time. And when they called, we were there within 30 minutes.

He had here in a white box with her name and ID number on it. It was to large to put in our pretty pink velvet box. So while he was gone to get a smaller box, Glenn opened the white box. The ashes were in a thick plastic bag, with the ID tag. The director was shocked when he came back into the room, he was not expecting us to have her in our hands and smiling.

I feel 100% better about having her with us again. And we were both amazed at the ashes

Get a Christmas Tree – did not happen

We decided we need to go to Disneyland and HAVE FUN!!!

Saturday – December 10th

Glenn’s 1960’s Beach Christmas Party at work. We had a good time.

Sunday – December 11th

My Christmas Party at work was emotional. Everyone was supportive, but I had a lot of tears. We did not stay long. But it was nice to see my friends.

Monday & Tuesday – December 12th & 13th

We decided we needed to have some fun.. so we went to Disneyland and California Adventure for 2 days... We bought a Southern California Annual Pass (for the same price as the 2 day pass). We had a great time. Although we saw lots of babies and pregnant mom's. And we thought of Hope everytime!!!!

The best and most beautiful

Things in the world cannot

Be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we

take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Saturday – December 24th

What a day.... I wanted to get Hope's Birth Announcement & Hope's Memorial Card and our New Years Card (too late for Christmas cards) done today... so I could give it to the family tonight.

I did it all... not all today... But I finished it all.

We had two places to go... my Mom-Sara's and My Grandma's & Aunt Nancy's house. My brother does not have a car, so I offered to drive his girls, Skyler & baby Sunny and his son, Andrew. Glenn was not interested in taking the baby... at first I did not understand, BECAUSE... I just wanted to have a baby to hold. He did not want to take care of someone else's baby... when we should have our baby Hope.

I understand. I apologized. I knew it would be hard for me, but I did not realize it would be hard for him too. So we drove only Skyler and Andrew.

I did hold a baby at Mom-Sara's... most of the guests there.. had no idea we were pregnant and lost her 1 short month ago. The baby was 6 months old. She was a lot bigger than Hope, so I had no real connection, well the normal sadness, of course.

When we went to Grandma & Nancy's... again most of the guests... had no idea. But, they had a picture of Hope on the mantel with GG, Grandpa and Aunt Pat. We had a few tears roll down our face.

Sunday – December 25th

Today... Glenn and I... did not want anyone over. We were emotionally drained.

It was almost a replay of Thanksgiving. Except... we received a few ANGEL or HOPE keepsakes.

We just miss her and wish she was here wearing her "My 1st Christmas Outfit"...

... we don't have one... but we should have an outfit... and we should have her too!

Thursday – December 29th

We had dinner with my Dad & Joanie tonight. The history her has been pretty rocky. In fact, Glenn has only had a handful of meetings with my Dad in 9 years. My dad had a stoke a year ago, Dec. 23rd.

I was at the hospital everyday from December to April... until he moved in with Joanie. LONG STORY...

But, Hope has brought us all together. I decided to be the better person and let her into my Delivery Room to meet Hope. She was very nice and gracious, my dad was too. And so I decided I would invite them to dinner to discuss the evening... and try to mend the bridge.

Saturday - December 31st

No big deal.... we went to have a "Burger and a Beer" and went to the Local Bar and were home at 6pm. Happy New Year... 2006 will hopefully end better!

JANUARY, FEBRUARY AND MARCH...

read about Hope's Memorial and my Dreams, and me Going Back to Work and more...

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LOVE was all she ever knew!!!