Journal - November 2005

My Journal - November 2005

TABLE OF CONTENTS

LINKS

Wednesday – November 2nd

30 weeks

ALL DAY today, “Our little Angel” has been wiggling, and grooving. I have also had a foot or an elbow protruding next to my belly button, multiple times since last week. And the rolling belly earthquakes have been registered as 2.4’s on the Rictor Scales. My belly button is poking out more and more everyday. It hurts, kinda. We tried to take a picture but it did not look the same. When I was doing the dishes tonight, I had a sad realization. When she is born, I’m really going to miss that rolling and thumping. But, I will especially… Miss My Little Angel. Missy (our kitty) was lying on my belly about 8:40pm and Our Angel was kicking at her. Missy was looking at me wondering why I was shaking. I told her "It's the Baby". She meowed.

PS I love that body pillow. I have been sleeping SO much better.

Thursday – November 3rd

Tonight, My Mom and Andrew went shopping with me at Babies R Us… for baby “MaKenna”, my bestest friends baby. I just knew I would not be able to do it by myself. I wanted to make her the most best-est “Baby-Cake” I had ever made. We bought her a few other nice things too. My favorite was the tiny doll. The dolls shirt said “My Little Angel”. It was exactly what I had imagined I wanted. So "Our Angel" could be with MaKenna forever. I was so happy (and sad) I started crying in the aisle. We picked up blanket after blanket... it was amazing how each blanket was softer and prettier that the last. We settle on a pink and white one. Silky on one side and Crazy Soft on the other. Crazy Soft: is my term for really really soft.

Friday – November 4th

Tonight, Mom and Andrew came over and helped me make the Baby-Cake, and kept me company too. It took us about 4 hours to complete it... Isn't it beautiful?

A Baby Cake: is usually 2 packs of diapers, size newborn and size 1, Baby Wipes hidden in the middle, other small cool stuff the mommy and baby need. This one has gorgeous flowers and ribbon too all wrapped in toole. It had to be the best for my bestest friend and her baby girl.

The Baby Shower is tomorrow. I am nervous and excited. I don't know who knows what about me... being pregnant or our diagnosis. I have had so many people ask me, "When are you having a baby shower?" I usually say, "after the baby is born, so you can all meet and hold the baby." Which they all think is a great idea!

Interesting and sad: My-In-Laws had a baby "John Carl" on March 16, 1971 in Virginia. There were complications and the baby was taken to Maryland, 5 hours away. 5 days later while they were still at the 1st hospital in Virginia... a doctor called on the phone and told my Mom-In-Law her "baby had expired." They only saw John Carl a few minutes after birth. Before we were diagnosed, I only heard that story once in 9 years, NO ONE discussed it. We do NOW!

I always remembered that... so when we 1st found out we were pregnant we asked everyone to hold off on the gifts. My explanation in the beginning was, we live in a very small 1 bedroom apartment and we won't have room for it all until we move. So both expatiations have worked for us so far. But, should we ask someone to buy the baby outfit that we want "Our Angel" to wear when she is born? Frames for pictures... Momentous? We can't register for that stuff right???? Really, what Mommy should be thinking about this SH_ _ !!!

Saturday – November 5th

Today was MaKenna's Baby Shower. I am so happy for Becky. And I know she is happy and sad for me. I know our situation must be hard for her too. We thought our babies were going to grow up together. But apparently God made other plans for us. I don't think anyone knew, except for our friend Rosalie, but there were a lot of comparisons between the sizes of our belly's. Mine was tiny (no fluid) and Her's was normal. We hugged a lot and shot glances and winks across the room a few times. At the shower I met a girl, who had adorable twins. They were 3 months premature. One son had problems from being a preemie. The interesting part was the doctors that saved her babies lives… Dr. Wozniak, Dr. Blake & Dr. Cousins. ALL of them were Doctors we were in contact with. I know I am in good hands. Not that they can change our outcome, but the diagnosis must be correct. I guess that is good and bad.

Tuesday – November 8th

So… Today I started getting tiny menstrual like cramps and lower back pain on my left side. And stomach tightness. No bleeding.

So I read in my “What to Expect” book. And… guess what?

"It’s Normal." Braxton Hicks.

They are very occasional so I will wait to call my Doctor.

Wednesday – November 9th

My friend, Camille is here from Hawaii, she is training with me for her new job. We went to eat dinner at the Souplantation. We sat and chatted for hours. But the most interesting thing was… the "Cookie Guy" came around, and we ate some fresh chocolate chip cookies. Why is that interesting? Glenn and I have heard of the "Cookie Guy", but never seen him. I got two cookies, 1 for me and the baby and 1 for Glenn. SO… the baby had a cookie before Glenn.

Thursday – November 10th

31 Weeks

I’ve had a LONG week with work 12 hours days. Today Camille and I drove to a meeting in Orange County, CA. I was given an Award for my contributions to my Learning Team. I am so thrilled about that. When I came home, my wonderful husband had cleaned the whole house. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!! AND… I still have had some very minor menstrual cramps for 3 days now, braxton hicks contractions?

Saturday – November 12th

I took Camille to the Mission in Old Town and The San Diego Mission. At a gift shop I saw a little Angel with the words HOPE on it. I wanted to buy it, I have been thinking about that word since last month. “Have Hope”. I did not buy it, I did put it on my Christmas Wish List for Glenn.

Then we walked around the Old Town Historic Park. In one of the shops they had a clear glass cross with HOPE and flowers engraved. It was about 12” tall, hanging on the wall. It was beautiful. I actually have the exact same cross in my wallet with a white ribbon. I bought it a few years ago at the swap meet for a quarter. But I will add the large one to my Wish List too. At the end of our day a nice lady working in Old Town asked me to bring back my baby. I told her I would. I am sad that I will not be able too!

We had a nice time. But, I was super tired. I was feeling some cramping as we were walking. But, it may just be the exercise. Or it it braxton hicks or labor?

When Glenn came home we took Camille too Miguel’s, it was so good. After dinner, we walked over to the Hotel Del Coronado. We told her about the lights during Christmas and wished she was able to see them tonight. It was also the first time, we took "Our Angel", to see the Hotel Del Coronado too. This place is very special to us, this is where we spent our Wedding Night.

Sunday – November 13th

Tonight at 10:10pm. My cramps started to get really bad. I was timing them as I was lying in bed.

Monday – November 14th

I barely slept at all last night and it was so hard to get out of bed knowing that today was the first day of a huge class of 23. All night, I was having some super cramps, about every 10 minutes. I made it to work and set up for everyone and waiting for my Doctor to open at 9am.

I called her exactly at 9am. I told her the cramps were about 10 minutes apart… Although that was not very scientific, I mean I could not write down every cramp, I was trying to sleep. She told me… “Gauge your contractions by talking, If you can talk, you are fine, and when they get closer to 5 minutes apart… Call me.”

So I spent the day talking… because, that is my job. When the cramps got bad… every 10 minutes… I asked a question of a student and smiled through the response… and held on for the ride. I leaned or sat on the table behind me.

Later that night, at home, Glenn timed the cramps and they were 8-10 minutes apart.

Tuesday – November 15th

10pm I was going to bed, I wanted to take a Tylenol for the pain. But, I saw a little bit of blood. So I decided I would just go to bed with the pain.

10:23 for 50 seconds

10:32 for 45 seconds

10:37 for 55 seconds

10:46 for 90 seconds

10:57 for 90 seconds (possible longer and hardest)

11:06 for 60 seconds

11:10 for 60 seconds (jump or kick, before the cramp)

While I was recording the cramps, I did look in my “Girlfriends Guide” and reviewed what I needed to take to the hospital in and I made a tiny list. For myself and Glenn… just in case I could not do it. At 12:25am I was done with my list. So I turned out the light… I needed to TRY to sleep. I closed my eyes and continued to get woken up and somewhere between 2am-3am I did take a Tylenol. Funny thing, I thought it worked immediately. I felt a tiny cramp, no big deal. I was so excited, I am gonna sleep. But, a few minutes later. Oh my Gosh!!!! I was wrong!! The cramps kept coming. I had big cramps every 7-10 minutes and tiny cramps in between.

Wednesday – November 16th - MY MUCAS PLUG

32 weeks

6:30am as I was getting ready for work, when I noticed something that looked at lot like a “big jello-like blob” on the toilet paper. So my mind started thinking… it seemed to be familiar. So when I was able to… I quickly scanned my “What to Expect Book”.

My book said … it was the “Mucus Plug”, which seals the opening of the uterus during pregnancy. And... "At the start of labor or a few weeks before, this thick, bloody blob becomes dislodged and the Birth will be soon." SOON???? Oh my gosh, SOON, I think my heart dropped.

My Doctor would not be in until 9am. So, I piled some things into a bag and I went to work. I had a class. But, I am not crazy, I only went to work knowing that my class would be with another instructor during the first few hours and I could get everything taken care of, because I knew I was not coming back for at least 3 months.

I told my friend, Camille. I thought today was the day. I made sure to get all my work stuff in order. Who would need to do what, and when, while I was gone. I did not want to come back to a mess. At about NOON... I called my Doctor from my Manager’s office. I told her about the contractions and the mucus plug, she said I should go home and time the contractions until they were 5 minutes apart. I told her that the “talking test” did not work for me.

Glenn came to my work, so he could drive me home. I decided I would drive and he would follow me home. I did not want to leave my car. Now that was crazy!

When we came home, I immediately started compiling all the information I had gathered and began preparing our Birth Plan. I thought I would have more time to do this. In fact I wanted to sit and do it last Sunday, but other things came up, like having fun.

Glenn, My Mom and Andrew timed my contractions. My sweetie, Andrew was having trouble with his homework, so I helped him and I tested him on his spelling words while sitting on the bench, having multiple contractions. My favorite word was Mirror=Meower. But, before we were done M, I double R, O, R.

I was typing our wishes on the old laptop. So I would be able to sit comfortable on the couch. I finished our Birth Plan at 10pm. I was pretty anxious. So, I saved it to disk (all the way through) I did not want to lose it. Then I came to the big computer to print it all out. The file… would not “Open”. It did not work. There was a problem with the disk or laptop. Who knows! Oh my was I so pissed off and not to mention stressed! But, I just went to lay down in bed. Glenn packed our luggage before we went to sleep. Just in Case!!

Thursday – November 17th - GOING TO THE HOSPITAL

I was cramping all night. So obviously, I could not sleep. So at 4am, I got out of bed and came to the computer. I ordered the preemie baby outfits. “Angel Kisses” for BOY & GIRL and another Red & White outfit. Then I began writing our Birth Plan all over again. I finished it about 8am. Weird Factoid… Usually when I transfer information like that from my notes to the computer I rip them up (so I know which info has been used). But last night as I wrote the original Birth Plan…. I did not rip anything. I must have known, or the baby did.

This morning we lounged around the house, still cramping and timing them.

We talked about names. We have not really discussed names since August.

We decided on Adam Christian for a Boy, and Hope Angel for a Girl.

At 1:40pm we called Dr. Melin and asked if we could come in and see what these contractions were doing. She said... “YES”. So we gathered all of our things, just in case we were sent to the Hospital. We piled everything into the car and drove to her office at about 2:30pm.

By the way, Glenn did come into the Doctors exam room with me... It was his first experience seeing the stirrups up-close, I can not say he was to excited about that. I thought it was funny!

SO SHE SAID… I was dilated 2cm and almost fully effaced. (I had no idea what that was, but she explained the space between the baby and me... was thinning.) She suggested we go to the hospital, get an epidural so I could sleep, and deliver our baby some time in the early morning. So off to the hospital we went. I was excited and nervous and happy and sad.

I was... Excited about sleeping

I have had hard contractions every 10 minutes since Sunday night at 10:10pm.

90+ HOURS... But really since Tuesday the 8th... NINE DAYS!

I was... Nervous about the epidural.

I was... Happy about seeing and holding "Our Angel".

I was... Sad about missing "Our Angel" baby in my tummy and in my arms.

As we drove to the Hospital we called everyone we needed to. We had to drive around the parking lot, to get better cell phone reception, and finished making the calls. We were a little stressed, and argued about where to park. I waited on a bench at the front door, while he parked. We checked in at the hospital at 4pm. Our immediate families ware already there. Before Us!

I immediately gave the charge nurse a copy of “Our Birth Plan”.

We had the Hospital Chaplin come into our room and say a prayer with us.

I was watching the “contraction monitor” when I was having a contraction and I swear the line did not even look like it moved. When I received the epidural. The worst part was the squishing into a ball. As my legs started to feel all tingly, I remembered hearing about “going completely numb” and that makes labor difficult. So, I continued to wiggly my toes and move my legs. I could feel a tiny twinge (tug) when I had a contraction.

I do not know exactly when the induction medication was administered. But I do know it was Pitocin (the synthetic form of Oxytocin). You can read more about it… http://www.childbirth.org/articles/pit.html . I had no complications.

My nurse Andrea – was awesome. I have always heard about many people in and out of the delivery room. We did not experience that. We had Nurse Andrea, Dr. Melin and the Anesthesiologist. I believe it had to due with our circumstance or our Birth Plan. The hospitals policy regarding visitors: 2 visitors in the room at a time and over 16 years old. I asked Andrea if we would be held to those same rules after the birth. She said, “No, there are exceptions to the rules”. She asked, “How many people do you have with you?” I said, “I don’t know if you have been in the waiting room tonight, but I think everyone out there is with us, maybe 15 people.” Andrea also asked me about the contacts I had listed on my Birth Plan, Could she help us make some of the phone calls? That would be awesome. I told her how it was difficult to find out any information about “Infant Donation”. She said that they did have a contact and she would call them.

I was supposed to rest. BUT, I had the Blood Pressure monitor pumping every 10 minutes and the contraction too. How could I Sleep? I did try to rest. I put my pink beanie on, and pulled it over my eyes to block out the light. But shortly after, I had more visitors. When Doctor Melin showed up… we were in trouble, because

I had not slept.

Friday - November 18th - OUR DAY WITH HOPE ANGEL

THE ANGELS

I don’t know what time it was when I noticed the Angels in the lights, but it was while I was “resting”. Sometime between 6pm and 11pm. In the hospital room ceiling were two huge flood type lights in the room. Sometime while I was supposed to be “resting” and instead I was visiting with my visitors… I noticed Angels in the lights, one in each light. I asked everyone that came into the room after that point to “look in the light… What do you see?” Their response was “ANGELS” with a beige face, a blue dress and white wings. Now, if you are believer in Angels, You know they were taking care of us!

If you think you might be a believer in Angels, you might be thinking, they could have been a reflection of something in the room. SO, Glenn and I wanted to be sure to have an answer for you. It could have been my blanket, but my blanket was pink. Then the floor, Glenn paced around the room to see if they moved or changed. The walls, The machines, NOTHING! I really wanted to take a picture, but it was too dark. And “The Angels” disappeared with the flash. All that mattered is they made us feel better!

LABOR BEFORE THE EPIDURAL - WHY I COULD NOT REST…

#1 Okay, have you ever had that “Contraction Belt” ON? Does it even work? Seriously, I watched the monitor during the contractions and it was barely at 25 (out of 100). I was definitely afraid of the contractions getting to 100. I had been having these same contractions (25) since Sunday Night at 10:10pm… and it was almost 4 DAYS later! I was afraid of the epidural BUT I was more afraid of the contractions making their way to 100.

#2 When the Blood Pressure Monitor is pumping on my arm every 10 minutes… I have no idea how to rest!

THE REAL LABOR

So the anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural. And I can tell you now. I am going to personally request him to do the next one! My only uncomfortable time during the procedure was curling into a ball and not moving… especially during a contraction. You know it hurts to pick something off the floor when you have a belly that big. I was very happy with my epidural.

So fast forward about 45 minutes… the contraction monitor was showing some really big contractions… BUT, I felt a little twinge… then a pinch. Nurse Andrea was checking me to see how dilated I was. Doctor Melin came and said she thought I only needed to be 7cm because the baby was small. They also thought the baby was breech. I remember mentioning that I was ready to have another baby…. because labor was not so bad. (Funny huh? … it was the drugs talking)

FYI People say that Epidural's can make you too numb and you will not feel the twinge and pinch of contractions. As soon as I received the epidural and was able to move, I pulled my legs toward me and pushed them away and wiggled my toes and continued to do this the entire time. I was able to identify my contractions and push when my doctor needed me too. If you lay on one side or don’t move your body… You will become numb, IT WORKS WITH GRAVITY…. Just like Fat Calories~ Straight to the BUTT and HIPS. You gotta MOVE.

Fast forward a few hours of NO PAIN and visitors… I think I was shortly after 12:30 am… and Nurse Andrea had me fake push a few times every 15 minutes. Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Relax. OKAY I think you are almost ready… I will go get the doctor. If you want to practice while I am gone… go ahead.

I waited a few minutes and with Glenn counting… Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 …. Then a weird noise, so I stopped.

THE BIRTH

When Doctor Melin arrived… they unveiled all the tools all lined up and shiny … scary! I was a little anxious because of all that metal stuff. Yikes!

Then she asked me to

Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…

Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Relax.

And again…

Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…

Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Relax.

And again…

Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…

Push, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… “OPEN YOUR EYES, OPEN YOUR EYES. Said Doctor Melin…

IT WAS 1:39am.

“SHE’s A GIRL!” Said Doctor Melin…

“SHE IS SO BIG” I said…

Next thing I know, “HOPE ANGEL” was on my chest, and Dr. was suctioning her mouth and rubbing her back. As I was holding her she let out a little noise.

Then I multi-tasked and cut her umbilical cord. That was awesome! She was a little blue at first, but she pinked up.

I remember Glenn’s face. His smile was huge. He looked so happy. I was smiling from ear to ear too. Nurse Andrea asked Glenn to take Hope over to the heat lamp, so they could clean her up. She did it so I could deliver the placenta (after-birth). Glenn turned around just as I was delivering the placenta and saw it. Oops! He said it wasn’t bad… he just wished he had missed it.

We were with Hope, by ourselves for about 10 minutes. Glenn held her and we kissed and loved her and put on her pink beanie that Auntie Becky brought for her. I had my pink beanie on. So we matched!

SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!

She has Mommy’s Chin and Lips…

She has Daddy’s dimple under her Nose…

She is Tall and Skinny with a tiny cute Booty like her Daddy too!

She has a little bit of light brown hair… she’s not a baldy... (but we had a hard time getting a lock of her hair)

She has some big feet… and gorgeous little hands that held my fingers.

Her skin is pink and full of life… with all the white protective stuff on it.

She was not breech… so of course she has little bit of a cone shape head (like most babies)

due to the lack of fluid…

One of the tops of her ear lobes is folded over,

Her legs are a little bent and the soles of her feet are facing each other.

I love everything about her… she is beautiful. She truly is!

MEETING EVERYONE AND THE BAPTIZM

We asked Nurse Andrea to get everyone in the waiting room.

My Mom & Andrew (my nephew)

Glenn’s Mom & Dad & his little sister

My Mom Sara

My Dad & Joanie

My Grandma & Aunt Nancy

My Friends: Mary, Becky & Melissa (Cat had to go home to her baby)

SO we introduced Hope to everyone and asked Mary to Baptize Hope, In the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit.

SIDEBAR: Mary told her children that she was going to Baptize our baby, so Peter ran into his room to get his bottle of Holy Water that he had received from school the week before. That was very special.

Nurse Andrea asked if we wanted to weigh her. They all wanted to know. Her legs were a little bent, so I let everyone know…. So they were not surprised. She was 3 pounds 14 ounces and back in my arms within the same minute.

I did let almost everyone hold her and meet her briefly. I don’t remember exactly what I said… but, we were crying. I wanted them to hold her and meet her.

This time was important to us… we wanted everyone with us to have a memory of her alive. We knew they would leave and not see her alive again. I remember my friend Melissa wanted me to have Hope in my arms. She was crying and concerned, that Hope would pass-away before she came back to me or Glenn. I knew in my heart that Hope wanted to meet them all. She was going to wait until she went around the circle of arms. I also remember seeing Doctor Melin and Nurse Andrea smiling and crying along with us. About 20 minutes later … 2:10am everyone said goodbye. My sweet nephew, Andrew was upset and gave me a huge hug and kiss.

HOPE'S SHORT TIME WITH US

About 2:10am everyone left our room. We loved her and kissed her some more. She made a few noises during this time. She sounded like she was deep breathing or gasping for air, but not suffering. Glenn and I were both holding her, wanting her eyes to open. They never did. Nurse Andrea took pictures for our memory book. Shortly after the pictures she checked for Hope’s heart beat again. She did not find one. It was 2:25am. Hope looked like she was sleeping. She was so peaceful and beautiful. Our baby girl was so perfect and we could not take her home. I held her in my arms and we cried.

Nurse Andrea asked if we were ready to bathe Hope. We prepared things so we could bathe her and dress her. When we were writing the Birth Plan, Glenn was not interested in bathing and dressing the baby. But, he fully participated. We used the wash cloth to clean her up at bit. You know, (or maybe you don’t) the white greasy stuff. It sure was a different experience. I had no idea how sticky it was. We thought she would be all clean and bright pink when her bath was done. She was however Pinky with a little bit of white protection Beautiful! We dressed her in the Pink outfit Becky had brought. See Hope's footprints...

SIDEBAR: Yesterday… I asked Becky to buy one Pink and one Blue preemie outfits for the baby from Babies R Us. If possible, we would like a long sleeve full length gown, a hat and mittens. She found two cute outfits and a beautiful blanket too!!!

THE NIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL

We were in the Labor & Delivery room until the early morning. Hope slept with me in my bed all night. Glenn slept on the comfy chair. Nurse Andrea was very good about pushing on my belly to get out the extra gunk. I had never heard of that either… not even in the “Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy”.

I guess the way that hospital is set up is L&D Rooms and Recovery Rooms. We needed to leave our Angel Room and our Nurse Andrea… the best Nurse EVER!!! (She had to go home soon anyway.)

Obviously we did not want to share a room with another mommy. So we talked with Nurse Andrea and they had no single rooms available. So we agreed to go to the 5th floor – Medical Recovery.

Nurse Andrea brought us our "Keepsake box"… and "Comfort Cub". Here is the note attached…

Dear Friend,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I too lost my precious baby.

My heart hurt so much and my arms felt so empty.

I know no words can be spoken

or gifts given that can

take away the deep pain you may be feeling.

My hope in sending you this bear

is that in some way it will bring

a little comfort to your arms.

With love, A fellow Mom

THE NIGHT MORNING AND DAY AT THE HOSPITAL

My catheter was removed about 5am and I did go pee on my own… ow! Then, I slowly climbed into the wheelchair and I was given Hope in one arm and Comfort Cub in the other, and Glenn pushed us up to our new room… with our Nurse Andrea as our escort. We got settled we received a Neonatal Death Nursing Packet with information regarding grief and funeral home phone numbers and stuff like that. We set it all aside and got comfy and we all went back to sleep.

I truly felt like Hope was just sleeping in my arms. She was holding onto my finger and she was so warm because I had her blankets wrapped around her. I had my hand under her pink beanie and around her tiny little face. I was keeping her warm. I blew warm air on her lips every time I kissed her lips. When she seemed to get a little cold… I warmed her up! I was not going to let her go, until I WAS READY. You should know… I was also waiting for her “Angel Kisses” outfit. Do you remember the outfit I ordered online yesterday morning at 4am. It is going to be delivered FedEx sometime this afternoon, to Glenn’s Parents house.

About 7am our new nurses… Kristen and Jason came into the room. I think they were shocked to see Hope in my arms. Remember, we were moved to the medical floor. I tried to break the ice, “Isn’t she beautiful? Her name is Hope Angel”. They were sweet and agreed and took the time to appreciate her.  Jason mentioned how they had read our Birth Plan and asked if they “could help us call some of the contacts we had listed”. We told them, “That would be great… Thank You.”

We had many visitors today. Our first visitor was Candise at 8am. She brought us a single red rose. I met her 21 years ago, when I was 14 and she was 9 months old. She was my first real babysitting summer job. Her and her hubby had their 1st baby boy in June… he was a 4lb preemie… and healthy now!!! And she just told us today… They are pregnant again. YEAH!

I honestly do not remember who was next to visit… But, I did let everyone know that Hope was with us. It was their choice if they wanted to visit. I did let them know that I thought “she is the perfect baby… she is a good sleeper and quiet.” I was so happy to hold her and have her hold my hand. She was pinky and warm and beautiful. I was not going to spend 1 minute in that hospital without her in my arms. I am not sure who was comfortable and who was not… because they all let me feel comfortable during those hours.

THE SOCIAL WORKER

At some point during the day, the hospital Social Worker came in… her name was Andrea. She asked us a few questions.....

Were we treated with respect and dignity? YES.

Did we receive the keepsakes we wanted? YES, except a lock of hair. Her hair is pretty short.

Did we know we could keep her with us as long as we wanted? YES.

Do you know about the separation process, when you are ready? NO, what do you mean?

"When you are ready to let Hope go, we have a few options".

I do remember hearing something about “the bag” she would need to go in, before she made her way down stairs to the morgue. I sobbed out loud. It was the saddest thing I had ever heard. I wish I had read about that before today. I was not prepared. Andrea was careful to choose her words... I just had no idea!!!

"You can place Hope in the cradle in the room and the nurses will come in and get her after you leave."

"You can place Hope in the cradle and the nurses will take Hope."

I told her, "I do not want to see 'the bag'… ever!

I will place our baby, Hope into the cradle when we are ready to leave the hospital and NOT a moment sooner. The nurses can escort her out of our room and we will follow. Hope will go one way… and we will the other way. "

Hope’s “Angel Kisses” outfit arrived about 4:00pm. Before I changed her clothes, I told our visitors about how her skin under her clothes looked a little bruised and not as pink as her face and hands. “You are more than welcome to stay, but if you would like to leave, I understand.” Everyone stayed.

SAYING GOODBYE TO HOPE

We changed Hope... and decided to keep the pink beenie on her.

It was so adorable on her.

We kept the outfit she wore all night and day.

I cried the entire time. I believe Glenn had tears too.

We wrapped her into her blanket and took a picture of the 3 of us.

I was so sad I had to leave her... I did not shower or put on make-up.

I WANTED to look as terrible as I felt.

After seeing the picture, I wish I had looked nicer...

She looked so beautiful and peaceful!

We kissed her a billion times and huggged her tight.

The entire room was in tears... Kristen and Jason too - our nurses.

We told her we loved her...

I was crying so loud and hard...

I pulled her beenie over her eyes, I pulled my beenie over my eyes too.

I did not want to let her go...

and I certainly did not want to see her go...

I turned to the window...

I "peeked" and I saw the reflection of them leaving the room...

I had to turn around and give her the "I REALLY LOVE YOU" - Sign-Language Sign...

I kissed my finger and waived to her...

"I love you baby!"

THAT WAS THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

(Glenn and I have always turned around when we leave eachother...

He says it shows someone you love them.)

A few moments later I sat in the wheelchair...

I was holding onto Cuddle Cub and crying...

I pulled my beenie over my eyes again...

And I was wheeled to the elevator...

I began to sob uncontrollably...

I realized I was getting off the elevator on the 1st floor...

and OUR baby HOPE was going down a few extra floors.

and SHE was not in my arms.

I have no idea if anyone was staring as Glenn pushed me through the lobby...

But I was still sobbing... and LOUD...

We got into the car and drove away from our baby...

THAT WAS THE 2nd WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

SHOPPING AT SAV-ON - THIS IS FUNNY!!!!

On the way home, I needed some of the jumbo padded girly things and ibuprofen and I made a special request for Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. So he was the BEST ever. While he was in the store, Mary called. I cried as soon as I heared her voice. I told her where we were and what Glenn was buying. Then I began to laugh so hard it hurt (down there). Because I remembered, 9 years ago on this exact night almost at the exact time… were we at Vons grocery store and he was buying a 12 pack of beer. (THE NIGHT WE MET) And now he was buying jumbo pads, ibuprofen and ice cream! The people inside must be thinking “Poor Guy has a Bitch at Home”. FUNNY! When he came to the car, we laughed together. Before we drove away… he asked if he bought the “right ones”. I said, Honee I have no idea. I am sure you did a great job. He told me he told a lady in the aisle that his wife just had a baby, could she help. She did! I don’t even know if I would have thought of that. He is awesome. I love my Honee!

I took a shower, shortly after we came home and we went to bed. We cried together… and talked and then I cried myself to sleep and I slept with Cuddle Cub. Every toss and turn, Cuddle Cub was with me.

Saturday – November 19th - GLENN... TRIED TO GO TO WORK TODAY

I was worried about him. As soon as he walked into work, one of the guys said, "Hey Daddy". He said... he started to cry and canceled his flights until Wednesday. And he came home! He barely knows any of his co-workers… he just started there in September. They all thought everything was fine with the baby. He prefers to only talk to me. But, he will have to talk to them a little in a few days. He took a few extra days off from his night job too!!!

Visitors: Mom & Andrew. My Aunt Nancy & and her long time friend, Claudia brought us a Mexican feast.

DONATING MY BREAST MILK

Tonight my friend Mary helped me try to pump my milk; I am so engorged... ouch! We barely got a few drops! It was pretty comical; Glenn came in the bedroom while we were trying to get the suction. He said “Alright!”. We laughed hysterically and continued when we gained composure. He said it was no big deal, after all it was MY boobs hanging out… not Mary’s and it was the only way he was going to be able to touch them while they were so HUGE! He tried to help me pump too; Mary was showing him how to do it. But the milk just did not want to come out. It was funny! (continued on November 21st)

I slept with Cuddle Cub again... I put Hope's white hat on the Cuddle Cub and I put my fingers under the hat on hold the Cub's head... just like I did with Hope. I cried myself to sleep again. Glenn gives me loving too and I give him lots of loving too. I seriously think I must be crazy, but I want to be so close to him (you know what I mean, sex). Didn't I just have a baby!! I feel like the only thing that will get me close enough, is good sweet sex, with my hubby! Cuckoo? NO just in LOVE and missing my hubby and my baby. I didn't say I was cuckoo enough to do it... I just want to.

Sunday – November 20th

We just hung out at home today. We were sort of pooped out and wanted to spend the day alone. We had a few visitors later in the day, Linda & Rob…. Rosalie and Melissa & Ty.

And the best was… My Mom Sara brought us an entire Turkey dinner and it was so delicious!!!! I had originally planned to do a “Turkey Cook Test” tonight for Thanksgiving… but we had a little change of plans.

Monday – November 21st - My Suggestion: If you do not like the Funeral Director.... take your business elsewhere. Unfortunately, We Didn't.

Glenn, my Mom and I all went to meet with the funeral director. Right as we arrived one of the Doctors from the Hospital called regarding the Autopsy. So as I got his number to call him back, I sent my Mom and Glenn into the Funeral Home, and went in 2 minutes later.

We were there for almost 4 HOURS. Who really wants that?

The guy, I am not sure I like him. Maybe I am too emotional.

But, when I walked in he didn’t introduce himself to me…

HELLO… I am the Mommy!!!!

He said some things that I thought were odd, but again am I too emotional…. MAYBE... but shouldn’t he be aware of that? He is arranging the most delicate and horrible situation a Mommy and Daddy and any family member can be in. eww! He said things like, “they tell us we have to say… I am sorry for your loss”…..

I really think I am being reasonable!, he is an A_ _ !!! I know I do not like him!!!

We went to the hospital to talk with our Social Worker...

We authorized the autopsy and Clarified on paper... We wanted Hope to be dressed in the same outfit

we left her in and wrapped in her blanket.

We also signed the birth certificate paperwork.

DONATING MY BREAST MILK continued...

When we finally left there, we went to pick up the Hospital Dual Electronic Breast Pump… so I can donate my Breast Milk. It was $160. For the rental $100/month and the “New" bottles and tubes were $50. Each Mommy has to buy her own. Good for sanitary reasons. (AND I CAN USE THEM WITH OUR NEXT BABY!)

I had no idea it would be that much… but I do remember reading that I probably could have had my doctor write me a prescription for Pump Rental. It is for a wonderful thing, so I charged it. I pumped as soon as we came home. I did it for an hour and got an entire 2 ounces! I did not hurt, it was actually better than the hand pump and the regular electronic pump that Mary had loaned me on Saturday.

I called the Milk Bank on the way home... to verify the proper storage techniques of my milk after I pumped. She basically said, In a disposable bag (like for bottles). Put it in the Refrigerator and the into the Freezer. Put the bag into a cup so it will freeze up-right. And that is what I did. (continued on November 30th)

Tuesday – November 22nd

We just hung out at home all day today. We went to dinner with two of my long time friends and their families. It was awkward for Glenn and I. We could tell their parents were uncomfortable talking about Hope. I tried to help them. For goodness sake, She was our baby not their baby... Our Baby! I guess some people are just scared of dying… But if the person who lost their loved one wants to talk… don’t make them feel awkward because you are.

We thought the reason we were invited, was so we could share her life and pictures with them. It was very awkward for us. We could not wait for it to be over. OUR FRIENDS were great.... it was their parents.

I know Hope is in Heaven… a good place. It would be better if she was in our arms… and obviously I would prefer that. But, I am not going to be angry or afraid and I am most certainly going to talk about her.

Wednesday – November 23rd - MY PICTURE FIASCO - PART 1 - (part 2 is Decemer 5th)

My honee went to work today. I missed him and wished he was with me, especially when I had a rough day!

My Mom and Andrew went with me, for support.

First… of all the date and time on the camera is wrong, so all the pictures are going to have the wrong

information.

Second… all of the pictures have a grainy look to them... when I tried to enlarge them.

I am so frustrated. I don’t understand, our Hawaii pictures were taken with the same camera. They are the most beautiful pictures we have ever taken. The pictures looked so great on our computer...

What we learned…

If you use a camera:

Be sure the date & time is correct.

Know that the date & time stamp may interfere with the picture.

Tell people to look at the camera or the baby.

Make sure the cameraman takes good pictures.

Check the Picture Settings.

FYI: WE FOUND OUT OUR DIGITAL CAMERA WAS SET AT THE EMAIL SETTING!!!

(when we bought a new camera in December)

Which explains why they look good on the computer but not enlarged.

We have over 100 pictures and these were the things we wish we had done better. We have no pictures of our parents with Hope... you know good ones. I am sad for them and us. I know we all have the memory... but I wanted them to have a nice picture of them with HOPE.

I cried in the Photo Shop... I was looking at her picture (the one with her and Cuddle Cub).

I told the young kid behind the counter, "She passed away". He said... "I'm Sorry".

I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE... and he was there.

So when I came home, I put all the pictures into a photo album my friend Donna gave us, when we told her we were trying for babies, last summer. I put them in sequence of time.... even though the date and time were wrong. It was better than no pictures at all. I wanted pictures for my brothers and our families to see tomorrow.

Thursday – November 24th - Thanksgiving Day

We did our 1st Thanksgiving at our tiny 1 bedroom apartment last year and I was wonderful. I definitely did not want to go anywhere this year. So we offered to make two small Turkeys and 2 little dishes and they would bring everything else. It worked out well.

I woke up early, and began cleaning the house and making the Cranberries and Artichoke Dip. When Glenn woke up I helped him clean and prepped the turkeys. At 11:30am he put the Turkeys in the oven and did it all. He even called the “Mom Sara-Turkey Hotline” a few times.

I were remembering where we were just last week. I was having contractions and we went to the hospital.

I wanted to wear the same pink shirt I wore to the hospital. I was worried what Glenn and our families would think about that. So I asked Glenn his opinion.... (instead of keeping it to myself) he told me to "Wear whatever you want Punnkin... Who cares what anyone else thinks”. So I did wear my pink shirt. I wanted to remember where we were just barely a week ago. I wanted to say a prayer for her… so I did, to myself, while I got dressed.

It was an okay day... when everyone left in the evening... my older brother, the daddy of baby Sunny (born August 22nd)… asked me about Hope. I was so happy to talk about her. I showed him pictures and her foot prints and my momentous from the hospital. As we were talking, I mentioned to him... "I had noticed during the day, that no one mentioned her name". That made him sad too. Maybe they did not want to upset us. But, no mention of her… made me sad. It was just last Thursday people!!!

Tuesday – November 29th

Mary and and my little "girlfriend" Libby came over this morning. I always say to her "Hey Girlfriend!" So when she talks about me to her Mommy, Mary she says,,,, "my girlfriend, Shawna"... We walked 3 miles and chatted for a few hours after that. She is a great friend.

Then, I went to the Gym tonight. Glenn was working, so I spent some time with my honee and walked on the treadmill for 45 minutes.

Wednesday – November 30th

I called the San Jose, Ca. Milk Bank and told Becky I had 20 bags of milk. She asked me if I could possibly pump enough to donate at least 50 bags? She is going to send me some screening forms to complete and request for blood test. I am not sure why, they didn’t send out the information 10 days ago. I could have had it all completed by now. I really only wanted to do it for 2 weeks, But it is okay.

It is bitter sweet every time I pump. (continued on December 2nd)

I went to the Gym again tonight. I walked on the treadmill for 50 minutes. Glenn was busy but we winked at each other often.

DECEMBER IS HERE....

more of my daily agenda and funeral planning

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LOVE was all she ever knew!!!